All right, here’s the deal.
Many of you are doubtless curious as to when I’m actually planning on leaving for Kuwait. Some are probably wondering if I’m keeping the date secret, for some reason. Some of you likely don’t care one way or the other. This is a known problem with mass emails. A few of you are probably going, “Wait, he’s going to Kuwait?” This last is because I am a Bad Person who does not tell people Things. I have capitalized “Bad Person” there to make it appear more that this is some sort of proper-nouned group to which I belong, and not simply an apt descriptor. I have capitalized “Things” to make “Bad Person” feel less alone.
I’ve been intending to send out this email, or one very like it, for some time now. Every time I’m about to type it up, though, I get presented with one more tantalizing promise that an answer will be had soon, oh so soon! It’s now been four weeks since I was told that I would be whisked out of the country as soon as was humanly possible. I was at first appreciative of the extra time to make all of the various arrangements, like renting my house and selling my dog for parts, but have since gotten bored with the interminable wait.
This morning, I came into the office to be told that things were moving ahead! Within the hour, I would finally have the access necessary to fill out the paperwork required to receive a badge needed to get a certificate enabling me to go to training allowing me to attend different training preparatory to moving to Kuwait! I was thrilled, and once again postponed writing this email. This hour has, however, been somewhat longer than I am accustomed to—over seven times the length, in fact; perhaps it is a dog hour?—and so here I am, writing this after all.
The official word from my company at the moment is that I will be leaving on the ninth of December, unless I am not. I have barely even paraphrased this! These are very nearly verbatim the words used to inform me. What it means is that before the ninth, I have to expect to cancel any plans I make. After the ninth, I merely have to be prepared to cancel them. Essentially, I still know nothing. You were as informed as I was before you started reading this email, but you were unaware of this fact. Now, you know that I, too, am clueless.
It’s a good thing that I haven’t turned on my office lights in years. I’ve grown quite used to working in the dark.